


One Night

by Cchenyaa



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Kinky, Romance, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:41:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28653681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cchenyaa/pseuds/Cchenyaa
Summary: It's the last night before the Survey Corp is setting out to reclaim Shiganshina.Aponia is a nurse who's been in charge of the wounded soldiers after every mission. She plans to enjoy a quiet night of relaxation with a book and a glass of wine, but then Erwin Smith comes and knocks on her door.
Relationships: Erwin Smith & Original Female Character(s), Erwin Smith/Original Character(s), Erwin Smith/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 13





	One Night

**Author's Note:**

> Watching the anime, I noticed Erwin wasn't present in the soldiers' last supper before their mission to reclaim Shiganshina.  
> So this is my little romantic take on what he was busy doing that night.  
> It takes time to build-up, hope you'll find it enjoyable (& painful) enough to read this until the end.
> 
> Please bare in mind that English isn't my mother tongue, so there might be some grammatical/language slips. Apologies in advance!
> 
> Enjoy :)

She was washing herself when she first heard the soldiers' noise from the window. Their mayhem sounded festive, as if they were celebrating rather than getting ready for the next day. Their talk became extremely slow; the atmosphere they spread was looser, happier than in tenser days. The street, which was used to nights of complete silence, swung between chatter and the sound of singing. They were surely drunk and almost too loud, something she never imagined could happen during these hard days. The reason for all the noise was known to all, and nobody even considered asking them to quiet down. If one could give them some peace, s/he would wrap it and grant it to them gladly as a heartfelt gift.

It was the last night before their big mission to retrieve the lost city, Shiganshina, the first district that was horribly invaded by the titans. It was the mission everybody knew would again claim more casualties, a mission that nobody could think of getting ready for without drowning any kind of fear from it with alcoholic drinks.

Despite the mayhem outside, which she blessed wholeheartedly, she still planned a quiet night for herself. She bathed herself in the deep water, rubbed her arms with a soft fabric, while she listened to parts of the soldiers’ conversations outside. There were a few young women who were laughing about a comrade who could not hold herself after seeing the meat served especially for them. Others talked about a fight that started between two solders; nobody thought to stop it since it was too entertaining. Then there were a couple of friends who sat right next to her house window, they talked about the world beyond the walls, a world that lived in the hearts of most as a sort of fantasy.

She stopped thinking about the world outside the walls. There was no real reason for her to drown herself in fantasies of hope. But that kid’s speech, the genuine excitement in his voice when he talked about a future for all of them… If there wasn't a knock on the door to distract her, she would have allowed herself to listen to his speech just a bit more. But the knocks repeated themselves in a stubborn pace.

She lifted herself from the tub and tried to dry as much of her skin as she could. She wrapped herself with a nightgown, added her robe so she wouldn’t get cold and placed her ear next to the door. “Who’s there?” she asked with a slight fear that it was drunk soldier looking for some place to crash.

The voice behind the door sounded tough and stern, “It’s me.” She already knew who it was, and when she opened the door she was happy to see she was right: “It’s Erwin.”

“The one and only Erwin Smith!” she taunted him.

“Can I come in?”

She let the commander come into her little house. He took his heavy steps into the kitchen. He wore the green cloak of the Scouts, the same cloak everybody saw him wear when passing by him. When he took it off, she discovered he didn’t wear his usual uniform, just a white buttoned shirt and black pants. It was refreshing to see him wearing any color except khaki and green.

She wondered what he was doing in her house on a night like this. “aren’t you supposed to be there celebrating with your soldiers?”

“I don’t have a mind for celebrations, to tell the truth.” He answered with a heavy tone, but she didn’t take it seriously, since that’s the tone she came to know from years of knowing him.

“Only a mind for strategies?”

He sighed and gave a little smile, “not even for that. Tonight, I don’t even have a mind for this life.”

 _This life._ She knew exactly what he was talking about: it was the same life he talked about the last couple of months she spent treating him. It all started after he returned from an operation that claimed his right hand. She was not the first choice for the job of treating the commander of the scouts, but she was the choice that stayed with him. It’s not that Commander Erwin demanded too much attention from the previous nurses, he just didn’t want THAT much attention.

She became his favorite caregiver and Erwin became her favorite patient; he was easy and cooperative, and in moments when he preferred to keep to himself, she used these moments of silence for herself. When he was interested to talk, he didn’t spare her any detail from the battlefield, and in-between his stories they would discuss matters of morals, respect and everything that he felt he needed to lift off his shoulders before he went back to the front lines. He just brought whatever load hanging on his tall body, and she was there, prepared to listen.

“How’s your arm doing? Still healing?” she asked.

He put his remaining hand on what’s left of the arm and whispered, “I think so.” He kept standing there in the middle of the dining room, completely silent, with his eyes hypnotized by a spot on the wall.

She wasn’t surprised to see him like that, he used to come by whenever he needed to chat for a few minutes before he continued on his way to the base. But this time felt different. “You need more medical equipment for the mission tomorrow?”

“No, everything is already set.”

 _So what did he want?_ “I don’t want to sound rude, but what are you doing here?”

It took him a couple of seconds to turn his head to her. “I don’t know. I thought of passing by, to check up with my soldiers. I wanted to see them all cheered up, but then I remembered that you live nearby so I just changed my course a bit.”

 _The commander of the Scout Regiment acting so spontaneous on a place that’s not a battlefield?_ “So, if you’re already here, why don’t you make yourself comfortable on one of the chairs, and I’ll make us some hot tea?”

“Sounds good,” he said with a lowered voiced as he hung his cloak on one of the chairs.

“I can add some alcohol to the drinks…”

“Now that sounds even better.”

She turned to the petite garden on her kitchen window. She used it to grow herbs for tea and for medicine.

Meanwhile, Erwin sat quietly, leaning his elbow on his knee. He seemed wrapped in deep thoughts that seemed right for that hour of night. She made a few quick glances to keep track with the commander, his shoulders seemed heavier than his whole body; his back, which she was used to see straighter than any other soldier, was now bent and even shivered a bit. She passed her recipe to a pot and hung it on the fire that was warming the entire house.

“Aponia,” he whispered to the air. She heard her name coming out of his mouth a lot of times, but not like that.

“Commander Smith?”

“Call me Erwin, there are no ranks between us.”

“What are you talking about?” she said while stirring the water inside the pot, “there always will be ranks between us, like there always been. But no problem, tonight you're Erwin.”

He took a deep breath in and when he took everything out, it was as if he were about to hurl something bigger than himself. “How long have we known each other?”

 _That’s quite a question,_ she thought to herself. The concept of looking back was something quite unpopular, not when humanity inside the walls suffered so many tragedies. “I think something like two decades.” _How time moves fast._

“We were at the same class of recruits”

“That’s true!” she laughed, “we were in the same class, but in some way we can say that we were in to entirely different classes.”

He lifted his head with a glance of wonder, “what do you mean?”

“You were always one level above all of us. You entered any room with a unique and strong will, and you exited with a hunger for more. The rest of us, we all went to boot-camp with a certain belief, but you were the focused one. Sometimes we wondered if you’re able to see the future with how you always looked forward.”

“Yeah, boot-camp was the first step for the life that I wanted.”

“And look where it got you,” she turned to the kitchen cupboard to take two cups, “you’re the commander of the Scout Regiment, you’re one of the people the public looks upon with sheer hope.” She finally served the drinks and sat in front of him.

“You’re also a part of that public?”

“Huh?”

“Do you trust the Scouts to save humanity?”

“Yes, of course.”

“You’re lying.”

 _He was right_. “It’s true,” she took a sip from her drink to plan her words well. “Your last missions were… they weren’t a failure but look how damage they brought. It’s not that I don’t trust the scouts or you, it’s just that I don’t know how one could fight such a random force such as the titans.”

He took another deep breath and his hand started to play with the warmth of the cup. “I remember that time, in boot-camp, you used to sneak in the commanders’ kitchen just to bring us more food or even wine. I have a soldier now who reminds me of that.”

“It’s interesting that’s what you remember of me from…”

“I remember you liked hanging around Nile Dok.”

“Well, we all wanted to hang around him, he was the number one rookie among us.” She was right, Nile was the number one soldier, which led him to be the commander of the military police, working close to the king in the capital.

“It wasn’t just the fact that he was the number one rookie…”

“Yeah, well. He had the track-record, he had the charisma, the appeal… and the looks.”

“We had plans, Nile and I. You know? We were supposed to go to the scouts together, but he gave it all up.”

“For Marie.”

Erwin sighed, “For her.”

“Do I hear a pinch of regret in your voice?”

“There’s always a thought like that in my head, what would’ve happened if I wasn’t so driven, if my head was less high up in the sky, and my legs were more planted in the ground.”

“Then maybe humanity would miss out on one of its best commanders.”

He finally took a sip from his cup, and a slight smile confirmed he enjoyed his drink. “You were also on the top ten of our class, if I’m not mistaken.”

“That’s true, that’s the way I was back then – if I wouldn’t have reached the top ten, I would’ve started camp all over again, just to prove to myself that I can.”

“But you didn’t join any army in the end.”

“Correct.”

“And why is that?”

“It’s not just food and alcohol that I brought from our commanders’ halls, don’t you remember?”

He shook his head.

“There were always a couple of recruits who hid their injuries, they didn’t want to admit that they couldn’t continue. I had an eye for any kind of limp or any other dysfunction, so I’d sneak in the medicine cupboard as well, and I loved treating each and every person who came to my secret practice. Now that I think about that, of course you didn’t know about this – you barely got injured and when you did, you’d go straight to the class commander and report it. You were as straight as your back.”

“Yeah,” he let out a little cough, “we were stupid enough to believe the good in us is going to be useful.”

“It is still useful,” _they already talked about something similar_ , “but violence keeps teaching us the same lesson.”

“Good will is only one piece in the big victory puzzle.”

“Yep, good will is only one piece in the victory puzzle.” That sentence has always stung in her mind and in the minds of the people she knew along the way. The two let the phrase sink into the warm air of the room. Each took another sip from their drink so the silence would be spent in good taste, and she watched Erwin straighten himself and lean on the chair.

“That’s what you came here for?” She asked, “To reminisce?”

He didn’t answer her question, he just gazed into her eyes, and she saw the thick eyebrows starting to wrinkle

She felt the alcohol was starting to get to her head, forming words to avoid some sort of embarrassment. “Nostalgia isn’t a helpful tool outside the walls.”

“No, I didn’t come to talk about these memories.” He took a couple of seconds to himself and finished his drink. “I wanted to talk to you about something that happened in the past, something closer to our time.”

“Why the long prologue? Just ask.”

“I don’t know where to start.”

“What do you want to talk about, Erwin?”

“About Shiganshina.”

“The lost city? What about it?”

“About the time you spent there.”

“Oh,” she choked a bit, fearing the words she knew would come out of his mouth.

“The day the titans burst into the city…”

She swallowed the leftovers of the drink in her mouth, and their drops felt like razors inside her throat. “ _THAT_ day.”

“I’ve always wanted to ask you about it but didn’t have the heart to start that subject.”

“And tonight is THAT different?”

“Tonight, this is the kind of story I’d like to listen to, if you don’t mind telling it.” His stern voice began to tone itself down, “nothing was ever spoken about what happened, in the hospital I mean.”

“THAT day.” Aponia mumbled to herself.

“I mean, people seem to know what happened there, but I’ve never heard of any testimonial.”

She felt the razor melt down her throat before streaming its way to her eyes, filling it with tickling tears. “A testimonial from the only one who survived.”

“Were you the only one?”

“Eventually, yeah.”

“Do you think of that day frequently?”

“How frequent is frequently?” she felt a form of heat surpassing the alcohol on its way to her troubled mind, “it won’t help to think or not to, this day is going to haunt me until the day I’m finally dead. There’s no other way, I guess.” Her voice began to crack, “After all – “ she tried to collect herself. “It was THAT day.”

“I really want to know what happened there, if you wouldn’t mind telling me.”

The heat kept rising within her, “why do you think you should know?”

“It’s just one of those stories, one I’m most curious of.”

“And you just have to know everything?”

“About what happened in the hospital that day? Yes.”

“Why?”

“Couldn’t you just tell me without knowing why?” He softened his voice, “please.”

“Erwin.”

“Have you ever shared the story with someone?”

“No, why should I talk about it?”

“Same reason why I shared my failures with you in the past couple of months.”

“It set you free?”

“In a way, yeah.”

“Then you’re even stronger than what I thought.” The tears started to make their way out, “stronger than I could ever be.”

“I think you’re stronger than what you think.”

“Don’t do that.” She demanded with a broken voice.

“Don’t do what?”

“Don’t talk to me in that commander voice of yours. That voice that makes soldiers follow you though what they know will be their end. That trusting voice you’ve cultivated through the years that has people from higher ranks trust you. Don’t make me believe that I’m more.” The words were left stuck on her tongue. “That I’m more.”

“If you just get it all out instead of those tears,” his voice became cold.

“I’ll let out whatever I want when I want.”

“Please,” he tried to catch her eyes and succeeded, “tell me this story just once and I’ll never ask you to repeat it.”

She gathered herself while she took the empty cups and put them in the sink. She stayed there for a while, with her back to him. His blue eyes asked too much of her, too much from that load that has been hanging on the whole of her since that day. She felt the silence fill the room again, and she thanked every moment of it, every second that seemed to ease the severe pain that filled her head. She glanced at her plants, her cat that slept in her garden outside, those were the little things that made her happy. A voice came out from those little things and it talked to her. She knew that voice, even though she has tried to drown it each time. It called her to turn to her guest and deal with whatever she might feel. It called her to break herself in front of one of the strongest men she’s ever known. He was there, prepared to handle whatever she was bound to tell. She COULD trust him.

“How about a second round of drinks?” she asked.

“Aponia,” his tone went soft again, “yes, I’d love another round.”

She filled their cups and once she had the courage to sit back in front of the commander, she gave in. “Where do you want me to start?”

“Where it feels right to you, I have all night.”

“No, you don’t. You need a good night’s rest before tomorrow.”

He straightened himself even more and put on his most serious face. There was no way for her to escape him, “Start where it feels right to you.”

She took a deep breath. “It all happened because Dr. Yeager couldn’t come to the clinic that day. He sent me a telegram asking me to take charge of his practice that day. It was a telegram everybody was afraid to get, since Dr. Yeager was the only doctor who agreed to take on the hardest cases, he was also the only one who could aid them.”

“Dr. Yeager? Eren Yeager’s father?”

“Yep, The Eren Yeager. His praised father asked me to serve as the head of his department that day. He had some sort of obligation he couldn’t postpone. Anyway, I couldn’t refuse such telegram – when Dr. Yeager etrusts you with something, it’s a huge sign of respect, a testament to your ability as a physician. I took the position and just wished the day will pass as quickly as can be.”

“Some wishes get fulfilled in the most vicious ways.”

She wasn’t really interested in Erwin’s comments. “The truth is I don’t remember what happened up until the Titans tore the wall. For me it all started with a sound of a great thunder, and then that rumbling.” Her heart started to pound heavily, “I remember people screaming, rambling something about the return of the Titans, but I didn’t want to believe that. Well, I didn’t want to believe until I saw the patient I was treating. His eyes.” **_That’s it._** That was the memory she wanted to avoid most. **_Those eyes_.** She couldn’t translate what they meant to her to any sort of language.

Erwin put his hand on hers, “keep talking,” he said with what sounded like half an order and half a plea.

Another deep breath, “Those eyes. I managed to repress all those years and now you’re making me look at them again.”

“What was in those eyes?”

“Erwin.”

“It’s already half out, just spill it – what was in those eyes?”

“Fear, Erwin. No. Not fear, terror. Something bigger than terror. I’d bet you have never seen those eyes - so open… so wide. I could see all the nerves coming out, making his eyes blood red and fragile. These eyes didn’t see what was happening outside, but now that I think about it, I’m sure they knew what the future holds for them. I can’t remember the name of the patient, and it was always so important for me to address the patient by name.”

“You had much more important things to think about at the moment.”

“Nothing is more important than a person’s name,” she felt the air in the room suffocating her, “it’s part of what make us exist.”

“Aponia,” he addressed her assertively and it enabled her to wake up from the image that was blinding her. He came closer to her with his chair and strengthened his grip on her hand, anything so she could go back to present time, back to his eyes that were thirsty for more of her story.

Another deep breath. “The sound of panic started to come closer to the hospital, infiltrating the corridors and inwards. I finally came to the realization that the Titans really arrived and left the people of Shiganshina with only two options: run or be eaten. I have this static image from that moment of realization. I saw most of the nurses that were with me, they were quick to run for the exits. Some did it alone, some managed to grab a patient. Around me I saw beds – some were empty, and on some the patients were laid like rags. It was either the fear or the pain that attached them to the sheets and they didn’t move. It’s such a static image, maybe because I was static at that moment.”

She felt the commander backing away with the chair, “But the brain flies forward,” he whispered half to himself.

“I had a room full of patients with whom I didn’t know what to do. I had legs that could run away, I had hands that could drag one of them, but every step of survival seemed futile. There was only one fate these patients were forced to face – they were crumbs of future food for the titans. I wanted to escape so much, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to continue living knowing I selfishly left them behind. It’s amazing how many thoughts can run through your head in a split second – I tried to think of the options that were left for me: I could’ve escaped alone, I could take a patient, I could just stay with them and accept their fate as my own. I imagined the titans taking every patient, crushing them, breaking them in half before making them into a chewable mess. I imagined and I imagined and I imagined. The only thing that could wake me up from that horror were the horrible screams from the outside. “

“That was the moment you made your decision?”

“Yes. All the nurses brave enough to stay with me looked at me with a big question mark on their heads. I knew that the room had a shelter that was supposed to serve us in emergencies. I ordered the nurses to take any patient that could walk on two feet and lead them to the shelter. We worked so efficiently and without any mistakes. All I could think about was to try to postpone the inevitable. Oh, I cursed Dr. Yeager for leaving me alone that day. Like he planned it all along. It’s not what he did of course, but I just remember blaming him for all the troubles in my life at that moment. I was so stupid.”

“The complete opposite,”

“Erwin.”

“You were human.”

“Don’t force me to continue.”

“The shelter wasn’t built to take in so many people.”

“Erwin.”

“You knew that.”

“Of course I knew that.”

“So when…”

“When what?”

“That’s when decided to…”

“You already know how the story goes on, but you still need me to continue.”

He just nodded.

“You really are ruthless when it comes to getting things your way, huh?”

He strengthened his grip of her hand, almost crushing it. “Aponia.”

With a force she didn’t know she had she violently threw his hand away, almost tearing off the only arm he got left. She didn’t want to continue, all the disgusting vomit from her past made her more than nauseated. She felt it all come up, refusing to digest itself and she ran to hurl it all out into the sink. Erwin didn’t move from his chair, just watched her breathe heavily into the dirty dishes. Her hands were shaking, her body went silent and her legs threatened to heat up a fire hot enough to burn the whole of her. She needed to get rid of everything now. “Dr. Yeager. Not many knew what he hid in his private cupboard. He only told a few of us about it, the liquid that he used on people whose condition was beyond saving.”

“He used to kill these patients?”

“Only he had the heart to do it.”

“Only Dr. Yeager?”

“And me, as it eventually turned out. I didn’t have the heart to ask the nurses to help me, though. While they were helping the patients down the basement, I took out Dr. Yeager's toxic substances and readied them for insertion. I calculated the number of portions, making sure everyone left in the room will be able to rest in peace. I wanted to spare them the horror of being crushed by the titans, injection was a more dignified way to die in my head.”

“And were there enough portions?”

“I heard the nurses yell behind me. They told me I was making a mistake, that there was more room for more people. They said I should be in the shelter with them; that I’m crazy and I should pull myself together. I didn’t listen, I just shut down my mind and went from one bed to another, injected the poison and closed each patient’s eyes. ‘Cold and calculated’, that’s what I kept ordering myself to be while everything surrounding me became more and more chaotic. _Cold and calculated_.”

Aponia raised her eyes to look outside the window. In a moment of relief, she looked at the dancing soldiers. “They suffered so much, these patients, they deserved silence more than anyone in that room that day. I don’t have a clue how I was able to get to all of them, but I did and there was even a little left from the substance, enough for one more patient. I heard the nurses scream and I couldn’t bear it anymore. I screamed back, feeling like all my insides were there screaming back with me, I wanted them to close the basement door and lock it. I took the last portion with me and ran out of the hospital to catch a soldier, to let them know about the basement.”

“And how did you manage to escape?”

“It felt like the longest minutes until I got a hold on a soldier that wasn’t busy being more frantic than the citizens. It was, of course, too late. As I was pointing to the hospital, trying to express myself in some sort of coherent way, I saw it.”

“You saw what?”

She focused her eyes on the blushed soldiers singing out there. “That titan bent down, as if it could smell them from miles away. It dragged itself on all fours like a baby and when it found the location of the basement, it sent its hand to break the walls. Then he just burst into…” _those drunk soldiers._ “Did I say it moved like a baby? I meant it looked like a predator, a too-hungry wolf.” _At least they’ll be aware of death when it comes towards them_. “That titan just crashed the floor and made himself a pretty bloody lunch there.” _At least their death will be granted after they were able to fight it face to face._ She was about to continue her story, but Erwin’s head signaled she could stop, that there is no more that could be added. She felt him move closer to her, but she didn’t dare to turn around and face him. When he took a hold of one of her shoulders she wouldn’t budge. She just kept staring at the soldiers, wondered if she’ll see them in a few days wounded to their core, begging for any kind of relief for their pain and trauma. She knew she was jumping into a dark and bleak hole, the same one she was pulling herself out of every day. Erwin tried to pull her out from that same hole, but his hand was the last hand she wanted to be saved by. He insisted on burying her inside THAT darkness, dragged her there without remorse.

_And for what?_

_N_ _o, it didn’t interest her anymore._

“Aponia,” he whispered and she hated him for calling her by her name. She hated him for trying to console her, for making her believe she could take comfort after being pushed into a well too deep.

“I want you to leave, Erwin.”

“That’s the last thing you need now.”

“No,” she turned to him and felt a bit of accomplishment when he turned red facing her wrath. “You don’t know what I need now, you’ve never known what I need, and now I ask you to take your things and get out.”

“You don’t…”

“I’m not what?” She started to laugh, “I’m not what? You don’t know what I am! Don’t come into my house and tell me what I am, you lost that right completely. Take your stinking cloak and get the fuck out of my house.”

“Aponia!”

“Who are you trying to fool, exactly?”

“Aponia, don’t.”

“Your soldiers out there seem to manage great without you. You gave them a night of relief just to make sure you’ll get one too, am I right?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You think nobody knows what you’re doing in nights like these when you’re looking for some… comfort?”

“Stop.”

“Do you have regular whores in every district, or do you try your luck in a new place every time?”

“Maybe I should go.”

“Yes. Go, go find yourself a good fuck for the night. Sleep well before you send your soldiers to hell again on another useless mission.”

“You’re angry, I get it.”

“You don’t get it. You’ll never get it, Commander Smith.” She gnarled. “Commander!” she rushed to open the door. “Have the greatest of luck tomorrow, eh?”

She watched Erwin keep his cool while he put on his cloak. His collected manor infuriated her even more, and when he dared to look straight to her eyes she was sure she was going to throw him out with all her might. She was happy to shut the door violently behind him.

 _How dare he?_ She screamed inside. _He came without any invitation and asked her to relive the worst day of her life. How dare he ask her to continue and continue, hurl and hurl, lose all control when talking to him. Like a monster. Like a titan._ She swore if he’d stayed one more second, she would’ve transform into a titan and shred his long body to little pieces of nothing.

 _He’s not worth it_ , she told herself while trying to settle her breath. _He’s not worth all that pain. Nothing will take the pain of that day._ She gnarled more and more, her throat pleaded for some water. “Nothing,” she whispered to the cold air until she regained her consciousness. “Nothing,” she repeated while she spilled all her body on the wooden door, letting every fiber in her body shiver, hoping it’ll ease her tight muscles. 

Then in a flash of a second she came to her senses: _there was one portion left_. She turned around to the kitchen. _One more portion_. Her eyes focused on the drawer beneath the sink.

“Aponia,” she heard his voice behind the door.

“I asked you to go!” she yelled with all that was left of her voice.

“Let me in,” he commanded, “All the neighborhood can hear your heavy breaths.”

“Erwin,” she pleaded, “go to your whores.”

There was a short pause before he whispered what he wanted. “I don’t want to go to the… to them tonight. I want to stay here.”

“You have nothing to find here.”

“I want to stay here with you.”

 _Run or be eaten._ These were the two options left for her the day the titans broke the gate. These were the only two options she could've thought about from then on. She escaped her troubles by trying to mend those of others; she immersed her thoughts and body in the wounds of soldiers who needed the best care; she fed herself to her own memories while trying to repress them. _Run or be eaten_.

“Aponia?” she heard Erwin asking worriedly.

 _No. There was another option for her._ She opened the door only discover the commander waiting for her. All she needed to do was to give the word and she did it: “You can come in.”

He made a few steps inside, enough for him to close the door behind her and encircle her with his body. “Turn to face me,” he ordered in a cold voice and she surrendered, but she could not lift her eyes to meet his. She wasn’t ready to do that. She just looked at his chest inflate and deflate, while trying to emulate its steady pace. Erwin pulled her closer, and she put her forehead on the center of his chest, allowing herself to completely break apart. He didn’t move one inch, just placed his hand on her head and whispered, “It’s ok.”

She let herself wet his shirt with her tears, enjoying a few moments of warmth and quiet before she felt it’s time to talk again. “Now you can be sure you’re not the only devil siding with humanity.”

“Now I know there’s someone who can understand the weight I have to carry on every mission.”

She felt his chest calming her down, “You take these missions because nobody else can.”

“Anyone is replaceable.” He whispered, as if it’s a secret he kept to himself.

“No, it’s not true. You’re the only one who can see forward, who can plan ahead with no remorse. That’s what humanity needs when facing an enemy it doesn’t understand. That’s what a commander needs to be in order to motivate his soldiers. That’s what a commander needs to be in order for soldiers to listen to him. Look how many followed you without question.”

“My soldiers knew to speak out when they could.”

“So they resisted, they still followed you in the end, didn’t they?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, you’re a sort of devil siding with humanity, working his ass off to make sure there won’t be another devil like that needed in the near future.”

“Now I see why you quit the military and turned to medicine.” He took a step back, and with his finger he lifted her chin so she could focus on the blue of his eyes. “Just a couple of seconds ago you were the one seeking support, and you turned it all back to me.”

“That’s just the way I go, a devoted caregiver.” She allowed herself to smile.

“A caregiver that many soldiers trust and need. They still do. Those patients in Shiganshina trusted and needed you on that day.”

“Once again we return to that horror of a day…”

“I believe that you can lift this weight off you, if you only allow yourself to.”

“I spoke about it enough for one day, that’s how it feels to me right now.”

“So will you allow me to say what I think about it?”

“Let’s not delve into this again, please. You don’t want another session of me proclaiming to the whole neighborhood what I think were your initial plans for this night.”

He laughed, it was the first time she saw him react so lightly. “Then what do you suggest we do now?”

“Let’s take a couple of steps back. You’re the patient, I’m the nurse.” She got to the living room, took a couple of blankets, and spread them on the floor, in front of the fire. “Come, you wanted to stay here, let’s get ourselves warmed up.”

She served them another cup of tea, and they both sat in front of the fire.

“I’m the patient and you’re the nurse,” Erwin stated, “what does that mean?”

“Either we sit silently in front of the fire, or if you want to share something with me, now is the time. I guess.”

They stared at the fire for a few more moments until Erwin broke silence. “I think this could be my last mission.”

“You think you’re not going to survive it?”

“Either I’m not going to survive it, or humanity is going to need a whole different kind of commander serving, especially after the unraveling of the basement’s secrets.”

“You don’t know what secret that basement holds.”

“You’re right, but there’s enemy awaiting us beyond the walls. If it’s not an enemy that wants humanity to end, then the basement will bring a new kind of enemy.”

“Your head is so strategic, all you got in your mind are war and enemies.”

“It’s not that. Well, that’s only part of it. I already shared my theories with you - that I believe there’s life outside the walls, a life that we have no clue about. But I didn’t tell you that I believe that humanity outside doesn’t want us. Not me, not you, not whoever who’s locked inside these walls. That’s the only explanation why we lived all this time not knowing.”

“…and you want to be there when the truth is uncovered.”

“I want to be there for myself and my father.”

“Your father?”

“That’s another story that will have to wait after my return.”

She had only one question in her head – “And how do you exactly intend to return when your body is already broken?”

“I may miss an arm, but I do have the will to lead this mission.”

“And the needed presence.”

“I guess you’re right. That’s probably the most important mission. I can give my orders from afar, I can let my soldiers make their own decisions, but I need to be there.”

“How do you know these things? Always so forward.”

“All the past has done to us is just scratch its way into our psyches, if I don’t look forward, what is left to look at?”

“Oh, how you’re right. But you can share your strategies with Hange, or Levi, with other soldiers who are smart enough to lead your army.”

“Not when the truth is within our reach.”

“You’re too curious.”

“I owe it to myself, to my father.”

“But that’s a story that’ll have to wait for your return.”

“Yes.”

"Unlike you tonight, I will respect that."

Aponia took a few moments to look at Erwin being hypnotized by the fire. “So what do you want to talk about now?”

He turned to look at her, “I want to talk about Shiganshina.”

“But I already told you the story.”

“That’s not true, you didn’t tell me about the most important part: you never told me how you overcame it.”

“Overcame it?” she let out a snarl. “Did you see me a couple of moments ago? This kind of outburst doesn’t happen to someone who overcame anything.”

“The outburst came because you didn’t want to deal with that memory again, but the fact remains that you’re still here.”

“What?”

“You said you got one potion left of that poison.”

“Correct.”

“Did you use it on someone?”

“No.”

“Did you hide it somewhere nobody could find it?”

“No.”

“Did you leave it somewhere in this house?”

“Something tells me you already guessed it.”

“And am I right?”

“Yes.”

“You had that potion of poison in here all these years.”

“Yes.”

“And you did nothing with it.”

“Well, yeah.”

“You see where I’m getting at? All these years you had the perfect solution to all of your problems, you had the option to make the final escape from the terror that’s been haunting all of us, but you didn’t do it – you didn’t kill yourself.”

Aponia lowered her gaze, “I really don’t know why.”

“I also don’t know why, but you didn’t do it – which means that at least a part of you is willing to heal from that day. Even after all the horrors you’ve been through you managed to take care of wounded soldiers, you kept pushing on, there was a strength in you that wanted to live.”

“I wonder…”

“What?”

“Are you talking about me or are you talking about yourself?”

“I just…”

“What?”

He took a sip from the drink and almost choked on it.

“Erwin?”

“I have to know I have something to return to.”

“Sure you have something, somewhere to return to.”

“I…” he mumbled.

“Just let it out, I hurled my whole soul in front of you, you’re invited to do the same.”

He smiled at her, “I wanted to know there’s a way out for me too.”

“Of course, you have a way out.”

“A way to heal from all that I’ve been through, from what’s about to come to me tomorrow.”

“You have a way out, Erwin.”

He giggled to himself softly, “And here I came to you, asking you not to talk about _this life_.”

“You said it yourself – there are some things you just can’t escape from.”

Erwin didn’t answer, he glanced back at the fire, into the scene that he seemed to build inside the flames. Aponia didn’t quite know how to do it, but there was one more thing she wanted to ask him. “You were on your way to the underground district, weren’t you?” she mumbled.

“That’s the question you wanted to ask? Because it’s already quite clear.”

“I just don’t understand why you look for sex in these kinds of places, when there are women who’d give themselves to you without asking for money in return.”

“Is it really what you want to ask me?”

“Don’t get smart with me.”

“I’m being smart because you know the story with Marie.”

“The only one who got more than attention from Nile…”

“…and me.”

“…and you.”

“It’s with Marie that I understood that relationships would only place hurdles on my way to achieve my goals. I knew this from the get-go, but Marie had to be there to make it clear. Romance would make me more cautious about going outside the walls and discover life beyond them. My ambition was too high of a price for anyone else to pay. I didn’t want to risk it.”

“…and when you go to those whores.”

“Yes?”

“What… what do you pay them to do to you?”

“Now that’s an interesting question.”

“You don’t have to answer, I know it’s none of my business.”

“First of all I don’t really pay them. I know what people do with money in the underground district and it’s not something I want to encourage. I bring them food or anything else they need that they can’t afford there.”

“Don’t they arrest people who try to get in or out from there?”

“What doesn’t bother the military police, doesn’t bother the rest of the people. Also, I have my own way to get in and out of that district without others noticing. Well, at least I thought so.”

“It’s not just me who noticed, there were other people, some of them your soldiers, who saw you sneak out of those parts of the city. And you know, news tend to travel faster than people.”

“So you’re interested in what I do with these women?”

“Yeah, you know. I don’t look for those… services. I’m curious.”

“That’s it?”

“Well, it’s just that ever since I knew you I pictured you with someone more… Even when you tried to get closer to Marie, I pictured you with someone more serious.”

“More serious?”

“Like you.”

“Like me.”

“Someone with a sense of authority.”

“And you think these whores I visit are less…”

“Aren’t they?”

“I don’t spend too much time thinking about what they are or are not. As long as they are healthy and can take care of themselves.”

“And as long as they’re good in bed.”

“It didn’t always resolve in sex, but yeah, it’s also very important to me.”

“Would they do everything you asked them to?”

“Yes. I hope I didn’t ask them for something too hard. They’d ask me what I wanted and always made sure I’d be happy.”

Aponia calculated the words, Erwin was so open with her that she felt comfortable being embarrassed – “so what were you thinking of asking for tonight?”

“I wanted some quiet. I wanted to sleep with somebody and then enjoy a nice night naked of anxiety.”

“You can still get that. You know? The night is young and it’s not that far from here.” She suggested it wholeheartedly. After all, he was about to command an army the day after, and he needed anything to help him get a good rest beforehand.

But then he turned to look at her, and she recognized something new – his eyebrows shrank, and his eyelids expanded. He looked as if he was ready to eat her whole or devour anything else that will stand in his way. He closed his eyes as if to calm himself down, and then his whole face changed back to its usual gears, reminding her of the gaze that comforted her just a few moments ago by the door. She thought about the feeling of her head against his chest, about the pounding of his heart, the heat of his skin that calmed her down. “You seek comfort tonight?” she asked without thinking too much.

“Yes, don’t you?”

She didn’t answer. _What is going on?_ Just a second ago she was ready to erase Erwin’s existence from her memory, then she felt as if he was the solution to her problems that night.

He didn’t wait for her to respond, “what if I wanted to stay here?”

 _Yes, this is what she wanted_. “Here.”

“Yes.”

“For the night.”

“Yes.”

_This is exactly what she wanted._

_“_ If you’d allow me, of course. You probably had your own plans for tonight.”

She took the glass from Erwin’s hand and made it to the sink, where she spilled all that was left inside. He wanted to stay for the night, but she didn’t know how she wanted to respond to that, this was more than unexpected. She heard him get up and approach her. Their eyes met on the window’s reflection. She felt him getting even more closer. He whispered her name to her ear, and his breath tickled her earlobe. His nose began to travel along her shuddering skin behind the ear, down to her neck, until his lips finally reached her shoulder for a soft kiss. “If you ask me to stop,” he whispered, “I’ll take a step back.”

“Don’t” she said and almost chocked on the word while licking her lips. Erwin made the night so tough for her and in one action he could just erase all the anger she had in her. He made it all suddenly almost too easy. “No,” she turned to him, and moved her hands around his neck, “don’t stop.” He pulled her closer, and she let her tongue sleep into his mouth. He sighed before succumbing to her completely and their mouths were playing with each other, kissing all the way until they needed to catch a breath.

“It’s so hot right now,” he said, not letting go of her neck – “It’s been a long time since I’ve been this hot.”

Aponia took it as a compliment and she slipped a brief kiss on his upper lip.

“No,” he moved his hand to caress her right cheek. “Don’t stop,” it was his turn to use his tongue to enter he mouth. He moved his hand to her waist, pulling her closer so she could feel how hot he really was. Beyond the windows they could hear the soldiers start to sing – “Sasageyo, Sasageyo, Shinzou wo Sasageyo!” They kept repeating that phrase, and she could feel Erwin suddenly losing his senses. His whole weight suddenly fell forward, and before she knew it he took a couple of steps backwards. She was surprised to see him folding himself – his eyes collapsed on the ground, and his shoulders went with them in a gesture of shame. “Shinzou wo Sasageyo!” That phrase echoed across the street and into the room, “Shinzou wo Sasageyo!” They just couldn’t stop in a moment of drunkenness. They were so happy outside, if only they knew how it made their commander shiver and then burst into tears.

“Give your hearts,” she whispered to herself and drew closer to him. That was his usual phrase, his final note before leading his soldiers to what might be their last breath. 

“No,” he backed away, mumbling whispers in between broken breaths.

She didn’t mean to give up on him, “they’re singing this to celebrate the fight.”

He kept backing away. He wasn’t aware of the chair behind him and fell straight on it.

“They’re singing to celebrate you!”

It was as if he didn’t want to listen, as if he tried to become a nothing that couldn’t hear or move, as if he wished to become the air in the room and just vanish from the earth.

She whispered his name once, but he didn’t respond. The second time she did it he caught his head with his remaining hand, but couldn’t look at her. She knelt before him, and slowly took off his cloak. “Erwin,” she whispered again with full intention and he was finally brave enough to face her. She raised herself a little, making sure that he’s following her every movement. She stroked his blond hair with her fingers and sat on his lap. “You said you didn’t want to talk about _this life_ ,” she kissed him gently on the forehead. “You wanted us to find comfort in each other,” she moved her lips from one cheek to the other. “That’s the night we can do that,” she felt his tremor calming down, and instead his chest muscles start to pump. His eyes turned from gray to deep blue, and then full on black – the predator within him was revived.

They kissed while she started to tease him with slight turns of her waist on his hardening cock. Her bare crotch sent her signals of delight as she suddenly remembered she didn’t put any underwear after coming out of her bath. The sweet friction between the fabric of his trousers and her crotch felt just perfect. He moaned a bit, but it didn’t disturb him from kissing her, and she just kept teasing, letting some moans of her own slip into his ear.

“Are you still hot?” she asked.

“Yes,” he managed to say in-between hard breaths.

She kept pulling him closer, while using her other hand to unbutton his shirt. All of a sudden he grabbed her bottom and stood up, she wrapped herself around him so he wouldn’t fall down, but he seemed to have enough strength and balance to hold her with only one arm.

“The bedroom?” He asked.

She smiled, “There’s only one more room in this house.”

He took her to the bedroom, where she planned to have a quiet night with a good book and a glass of wine. He laid her softly on the bed and took off his shirt. It was obvious to her that he’s built, but she still was amazed by how godlike his body looked, all muscular and firm.

“Take off your robe,” he commanded, and she obliged like a good solider. She started to take off her nightgown as well, baring herself from the waist down but he stopped her. He grabbed her by the hands and asked her to put them aside. He knelt and with his fingers he started to feel her thighs. He made circular motions, playing with his fingers both inside and out, and all she had to do is give him guiding moans that will assure him where were the places she wanted him most to touch her.

“Lie down,” he commanded, and she obliged again. He pulled her by the thighs, and she let out a little laugh which became a whole different sound when he placed them around his face. He started to softly bite the bottom of her entrance, and she made sure to wrap her thighs as much as she could so he’d be able to reach every spot that made her feel good. He licked and sucked wherever he could, drawing himself a strategic map with the goal of making her come. He had all the right moves: the tickling tongue on her clitoris, the sneaky sucking of the skin beneath her vagina, the fingers that were rubbing the inner circle of her hole. He felt so good between her legs, but she wanted more.

This time it was her turn to give the orders, and she barely let the words out when the lower muscles screamed that they’re just getting too tight. “Erwin,” she whispered, “enough of the games – take off your pants.”

In no time he took her words and put them into action – taking off his belt, his trousers and then his underwear. She rose to look at his hungry eyes again, and she invited him to lie on top of her. Her legs wrapped themselves around his waist. Her entrance was starting to expand on its own, pleading with her to let him enter. In a sneaky kind of movement, he tried to get himself inside of her, and she helped him find the hole. The moment his big cock entered her she went completely loose on the mattress. He started to move inwards and outwards in slow paced moves, his arm could barely hold his weight on top of her, but he kept focusing on the mission and on her eyes. She lifted herself a bit to give him a kiss and invite him to loosen his arm and lay completely close to her. He moaned and groaned into the tickling points on her neck as she was moving her waist so she could feel him in every spot needed. She moaned and groaned too, and in a second of pure pleasure she grabbed his hair with one hand and the sheet with the other.

“I’m totally hot,” he whispered in her ear.

“Just. Just go on,” she begged him and he did just what she asked.

“Aponia,” he called her while his fastened his pace.

“Go on,” she pleaded.

He had no words left in his mouth, only strong in-and-outs, and he finally let out the ultimate groan. He came inside her, and in a moment of relief he rested his head gently on her chest.

“Go on,” she said the third time as she felt him becoming looser inside of her. Her lower muscles sent her signals, it took just a little more for her to come. She turned him so he could lie on his back, making sure he was still inside of her. She rode on top of him while she took off her nightgown and she caught him smiling to the sight of her bare breasts. She rocked herself in circles, took pleasure in the friction between her skin and his balls, and she let her thighs lead the pace so they can finally feel the release. Erwin grabbed her ass with his hands, encouraging her to keep enjoying herself while she’s on top of him. She rubbed herself again and again, reminding herself who she was riding, she didn’t want that moment to end until she finally came. She lifted herself slowly from his cock and pressed her ear against his pounding chest.

They shared some breaths, as she was laying on top of him and he stroked her back from top to bottom with his hand. She wanted to take a peek on his face and what she found was a peaceful one, his eyes were closed and on the tip of her lips she recognized a naughty smile. “What was that?” she asked.

He opened his eyes and pulled Aponia so their eyes would meet.

“Was that the answer to my question from before?” she whispered.

“Which one of them?”

“Is this what you’re doing with the whores?”

“I don’t really talk with them that much.”

“You’re being a smart-ass again.”

He giggled and turned her to the side and caressed her face. “I barely talk to them, I’m not sure that they know who I am, I don’t think they really care.”

“Well, it kind of takes the stress away, doesn’t it?”

“It helps, yes.” He gave her a little kiss on her nose. “Now it’s your turn to answer.”

“Sure, what question?”

“Is that what you do with your whores?”

She grabbed him by the arm, “What are you talking about?”

“I’m sure you had some lovers…”

“Yes, lovers. It isn’t that hard when my line of work concerns dealing with soldiers.”

“Did you love someone?”

“Erwin,” she sighed and started to stroke his arm.

“Forget I asked.”

“Of course I did. I wouldn’t let just anyone into my bed. I believe I love almost every soldier that I take care of, I still do, it’s inevitable. But I don't let them in for long. I always ask them to leave the next morning and never come back, I didn’t.” She hesitated, “It only worked when I loved the man in bed with me.”

“So… I’m here now.”

“Yes.”

“And it worked.”

“Worked pretty well, I must say.” She playfully smiled at him.

“That means…”

“If you find it flattering then yes – I love you. We didn’t have to have sex in order for me to feel that. I loved you ever since you became my patient.”

He took a deep breath before speaking again, “have you ever been in love?”

“Erwin.”

“Forget I asked.”

“You need to sleep”

“I’ve also never been in love in my life. Maybe with Marie? Who knows.”

Even in the dim light of the lamp she could identify a sparkle in his eyes. She knew that the secret he just shared let him down, but there was no use to dwell on that. “You really need to get some sleep” she told him with a soft voice, and she passed her hand on his face to close his eyes. “I promise you that tomorrow this conversation would feel like it didn’t even matter. All you’ll think about is your next victory.”

“Will you tell me not to come back too?”

She was surprised by the question, “first of all come back safe and sound from Shiganshina, then we’ll discuss if you can or cannot come back here.”

He took a deep breath, “can I ask you one last thing?”

“Sure.”

“Can I rest my head on your chest? It usually helps me fall asleep.”

***

She waited patiently until Erwin fell sound asleep. It didn’t take long for his breaths to find their peaceful pace, and she was more than amused when she found out that Commander Smith is actually a snorer _._

She never told it to anyone - she finds it hard to fall asleep nights before a big operation. She’s aware of the toll it’ll have on the soldiers, and she just can’t stop thinking about that throughout the night. She finds her rest only after she knows the soldiers have left the gates, and she needs the sleep to regain the strength they will need once they need treatment.

She waited a couple of extra minutes to make sure that the commander is deep in his sleep, and she cautiously removed herself from him, placing his head on one of her pillows. She left him with a little kiss on the forehead, grabbed her book and glass of wine and made her way to the dining table. The fire was still going, and it lit the whole room enough for her not to need another lamp. She wrapped herself in one of her blankets, pore herself a glass of sweet red wine and took a deep breath with the hopes she could immerse herself in the pages.

When she opened the book, she couldn’t find the words on the page. The black ink seemed unclear and blurry, as if preventing her from being distracted by the book, as if reminding her she didn’t really need to distract herself with it.

The thought of Erwin sleeping in the other room made her heart pound hard. This was not just a soldier, it was the commander of the Scouts, a celebrated man who was still bound for even more greatness. The Shiganshina operation was not only meant to reclaim the city, but also to discover a truth that could change reality for all of humanity within the walls. She pondered on the option of the army actually taking back her hometown. She wondered if she’ll be able to rebuild her routine there, if she could somehow restore the life she once had. Could she rise above the horrors of THAT day five years ago and to live aside the shadows of the people who could’ve found a better end had she made a different decision.

She returned to the pages of the book, the letters were still smudged, their dark color started to draw a figure that looked like Erwin. He was sleeping there, his naked body all bare, and for one night it was all hers. If it were any other night, she would have woken him up for another round of comfort, but she knew it wasn’t the right night for that.

She pictured herself climbing on top of him, kissing every inch of his belly, up to his chest and into his mouth. She heard his deep voice mumble something from his sleep, mixing laughter with pure pleasure. She tried to feel his hardening cock again against her thighs, and she licked her lips as she fantasized on how they would eventually wrap their bodies around each other with her on top of him. She smiled to herself thinking how real this can be, but it was a bad idea and the worst time to be selfish. All that was left for her is to dwell inside that idea and enjoy the good taste of wine while she's at it.

“What are you thinking about?” she heard his voice and woke up. She got so startled that her book fell on the floor along with the blanket. She managed to wrap herself again with it before asking him to go back to sleep.

“You should be sleeping too…”

“I can sleep tomorrow. I have time.”

“Tell me what you were thinking about just now, and I’ll go to bed.”

“I’ll tell you tomorrow morning.”

“Were you thinking about me?”

“Erwin.” She laughed

He giggled as well, “you were thinking about me.”

“And what if I did?”

“I don’t know, but once you not-so-elegantly left the room I woke up wishing you’d come back and wake me up for another round.”

“Another round?”

“It wasn’t enough for me, what happened here… and there…” he pointed at the bedroom.

“It wasn’t enough for me too.” she licked her lips again to make sure they were on the same page.

“Great, so you were thinking of me, I’m glad to hear.” He walked towards her, still the same naked god in a different lighting. He took the book from the floor and put it on the table, and he reached his hand to her so she would follow him back to the bedroom. He sat on the bed right in front of her belly and took off the blanket that wrapped her. “Now,” he said while stroking her waist with his thumb, “what exactly were you thinking about? Tell me, and then I’ll share what I have in plan for you.”

***

She was surprised to find out that she managed to fall sound asleep. Erwin did his best to make all of her body feel as fatigue as it felt pleasure, so she didn’t have much of a choice in the end. She woke up with Erwin’s head on her chest, his blonde hair looked bronze under the morning light. The sun rose above and almost blinded her, but she didn’t want to move. Even though the sound of his snoring wasn’t the best sound she could enjoy, she wanted to savor some of it.

She let the sun blind her eyes and send her its invitation to imagine a different reality. With the heat of its beams on her face, Aponia took a deep breath and scheduled a new imaginary routine for her day. Sure, there was a garden that needed her daily attention, the cat would probably need her to clean his space, the dishes awaited their wash and clothes needed their proper care. These little responsibilities used to form a way for her to escape, but in her imaginary world they were little jobs she had to do to pass the time before Erwin got home, tenuous after a long day of Politics. She imagined his steps every evening, the way the door would sound when opened and shut by him, the sigh that’ll come out of his beautiful mouth when he’ll allow himself to rest on the couch. She saw the daily lives she knew from her parents, and she allowed their colors to paint a parallel universe of her own. _He can snore on my chest for as long as he wants,_ she told herself, and she meant every word as if it were a prayer. Nothing would disturb the peace she yearned for, not when he’s around. The comfort he’s shown her all through the night, their shared experience in mistakes that cost the lives of others, their way of understanding each other – there was a hole they could fill for each other without any hardship or judgement.

She would’ve been grateful for a couple more moments of sunshine, but mischievous clouds started to hide the light-beams, and they sent her back to reality. It was the morning of the great mission, and she knew that soon Erwin would have to go and lead his army to yet another unknown future. She laid Erwin’s head gently on one of her pillows and tried to quietly get herself dressed for the day. From there she turned to the kitchen, where her daily responsibilities gave her some distractions from her dark thoughts. She cut some leaves for her and Erwin to drink, she filled the cat’s bowls with food and water, she folded the sheets that hung outside, and then she turned to the sink to deal with the dishes.

She heard Erwin yawn from her bedroom, get up and linger on the bed. Through the reflection of the window she could spy on him as he went to the bathroom with just his underwear. When he closed the door she found a new kind of reflection on the window: underneath her brown curls she could identify cheeks with red blush spread all over them, and a smile she hasn’t allowed herself for quite some time. She kept washing the dishes and he came behind her, greeting her with a soft kiss on those red cheeks.

“I gathered some leaves, if you want some ho..” she turned around to see him putting on his shirt.

“Sounds good,” he answered as he buttoned up his shirt using just one hand. “I have some time before I have to get to the last command meeting.” The tone of his voice deepened in its authority, and the guy that just kissed her good morning almost disappeared – what was left was the portrait of a commander. He stood in front of her as straight as she’s always known him, his face grew serious, and though he was only half-dressed, he looked as ready as ever for what’s to come.

The sudden change in his demeanor alarmed her, “You can take a cup with you on the way, if you’re in a rush.”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “I want to stay here.” He opened them and looked at her, “I want to stay here, and the more I’ll stay here the longer I'll want to stay.”

She smiled, “I’m not going to ask you to stay, I’m not selfish that way.”

“I know, but I would still want to stay.” He got a bit close to her and he stroked her curls with his fingers. “I guess that’s why I avoided these situations all my life,” he moved his finger to feel her lower lip, “the only thing I want to do right now is to kiss you, it eased everything last night.”

“But this morning could be different,” she smiled even wider, “who knows, maybe these lips will make you want to run out the door and just get on the mission.”

“I doubt that.” He rested his forehead on hers.

She took a deep breath to get a sense of his smell in the morning, “Come, I’ll make you something hot to drink, we’ll act as if you have nowhere to go until we have our last sip and then I’ll let you go save the world. I promise.” She kissed him softy on the upper lip before she rushed to turn from him. “You should get dressed!”

Had she lingered on his lips she might have never let go. He got dressed, she made the drinks and they both sat in front of each other on the dining table.

Since then, not a word was said.

They took a sip; his eyes sunk to meet the table, and hers were looking outside the window, still wishing for the vanished sunbeams to give her back her sense of fantasy. They didn’t reach her in these critical minutes, but instead his hand stroked hers, invited her to look at him.

They took a sip; although nothing was said between them with words, they tried to convey themselves in other ways. His finger moved in circular motions around the back of her hand, and she started to feel a slight choke in her throat.

They took a sip; when he identified the first tear going down her cheek, his eyebrows were lifted in wonder, and then they released themselves downward as a sign of compassion.

They took a sip; he tightened his grip while trying to gesture with a smile that she can take comfort in the moment, she tried to reciprocate that comfort with a smile of her own.

They took a sip; she tried to say something, but her throat would only let her let out a little cough. She tried saying something again, but his eyes started to sink back to the table, and her voice remained silent and stale. 

They took a sip; he rose from his chair, took the two empty cups, and put them in the sink. He then looked outside to gaze at her garden, and he didn’t move for a couple of seconds. “I need to go,” he whispered.

“I know,” there was no sun left, _and if it did, it was probably shining on another’s house_. She lifted herself up from the chair and felt lost in her own home.

Erwin got closer to her, “Aponia, if it was any other night….” He couldn’t finish the sentence.

“I know,” she admitted, “if it were only just a regular night, huh?”

He cleared his throat. “That last portion of the poison…”

“What about it?” she knew what he wanted to ask.

“Are you going to keep it here?”

“I’d say I earned it, don’t you think?” She gave him a fake wink, he didn’t like the joke.

“If I ask you to let me keep it for you.”

“Absolutely not.”

“And if I ask you not to use it?”

“I’d say good luck on your mission today, do your best to save the rest of mankind.”

He bowed his head and groaned with anger.

“But I’ll tell you that, dear commander” she drew closer to meet his eyes, “last night made the distance between me and that portion feel greater.”

He pressed her closer to him, and again rested his forehead on hers. “Thank you, Aponia. I don’t think I said that to you at all, and I’ll be happy to repeat this phrase a thousand times.”

“Thank you, Erwin” she whispered as she moved her head to rest on the chest of the chief.

They heard a carriage making its way into the alley, and Erwin straightened himself to stand like a proper soldier. She moved her hands on his shirt, making sure there is no wrinkled spot left on it. She adjusted his collar and wrapped the green Scouts cloak around his shoulders. “They will always know how and where to find you, huh?”

He sighed with a smile, “Captain Levi can smell me from a distance.”

He turned to the door, and she knew it was her turn to say something, but she couldn’t. When he turned to her, she felt relieved. “Before I go, there’s something I need to share with you.”

“Yes?”

“Maybe it’ll comfort you, but I can give you one name that was in the room you managed that day in Shiganshina.”

She missed a couple of beats before being able to respond, “What do you mean?”

“I didn’t tell it to a lot of people, but my father had a brother he didn’t talk a lot about. He was born with an anxious mind, and it seemed the years have eaten him as he delved into theories he couldn’t quite comprehend about the human condition. People in the streets used to taunt him, calling him names like ‘lunatic’ or ‘weirdo’. My grandparents didn’t quite know how to handle him, until one day he came back all bruised, being able to barely breath. A group of bullies caught him in the street and nearly killed him. My family decided to send him away from our village, to a hospital that could treat him and his… well… condition.”

“To Shiganshina?” she was surprised.

He bowed his head, “yes, to Shiganshina.”

She took a few steps backwards as her mind sent her back to that day. It took her a couple of seconds, but then she remembered him – that Smith with the blue eyes and the thick eyebrows. She remembered him mumbling words in between treatments; how some of the nurses were afraid to get closer to him.

“Do you remember him?”

“Yes,” she swallowed whatever that was left in her mouth.

“Do you remember where he was that day?”

Yes, she remembered him. He was one of the patients that were lying like rags on their beds. The nurses skipped him when they started to drag others to the basements. Though his body laid loose on the bed, she remembered a moment of clarity in his eyes before she injected him with the poison – he had a smile so wide and he couldn’t stop groaning in what she deemed as a relapse.

“Aponia?”

“Erwin,” she let out a breath, “I’m so sorry.”

He took her two shivering hands with his hand. “no.”

“What?” She didn’t want it to happen again, but she broke in tears.

“You have nothing to apologize for, quite the opposite. I want to thank you – he finally found some relief from the world thanks to you.”

“Erwin,” she tried to find other words, but her vocabulary was reduced to one word alone.

“Now you know there’s another reason why I wanted to hear your story.”

“What a small world!” she knew it wasn’t the right thing to say.

“Too small, if you ask me.”

They heard a knock on the door and a voice coming from behind it. “Commander Erwin, you’ve had enough fun.” It was Levi’s cynical voice, “get out, we’re waiting for you and Hange just threatened to reminisce about Sonny & Bean.”

The commander placed his hand on Aponia’s heart and messaged it a bit. He didn’t let go of her until he could feel that her heart was beating in a healthy pace, and then he turned to the door.

Aponia didn’t want their time together to end in such a sad note, but she didn’t know how to handle it, there was only one way she knew to end these kinds of evenings. “I had a lot of fun, but like I told you – this is just a one-time thing, yes?.” She smiled and was relieved to see that Erwin understood the joke.

“We’ll see each other again, Aponia.”

She took a deep breath as he made his way outside and into the carriage. She let the oxygen of the outside regenerate her lungs with a sense of something new, with an air that smelled of a bit of hope and optimism. “We’ll sure do,” she whispered to herself, before closing the door behind her and going back to her usual routine.


End file.
